If you have been pregnant, you have experienced the array of odd, creepy and inappropriate things that people say or do to you. It is like being pregnant automatically slaps a sign on your back that says, “Oh please talk to me and ask me 100 questions…oh and touch me…lots of touching please!!” People that would never say three words to you otherwise, will come up and ask you for every detail of your nursery decor. They will grab your belly and awkwardly rub and talk to your tummy like it will talk back. It is all very bizarre. I understand being pregnant is an honor. It is a miracle. It is a blessing to have a child growing inside your body. However, it is not other people’s right of passage to let their inner creep out. If have been around other women who are pregnant I almost act as if I do not notice. I figure if you want to talk about your baby than you can initiate. Otherwise, I assume you are uncomfortable, tired, hungry, excited and nervous. I have talked to a ton of women who have told me the things they hate so here is my list of things you should just NEVER say to a pregnant woman.
1. “You look like you’re about to pop!” or anything that sounds like “You look like a giant beached whale.”
I get it. I look like I am about to explode from the inside out. I think people think it is amusing or a cute way of saying “DANG! Girl, your belly is about to knock someone out!” but in reality, it just makes us women feel like we are huge. Which we are. Even those of us who are blessed with good baby genes and do not gain a lot of weight still feel like an enormous ball of discomfort. Pretty much you just make us want to cry. So just say something like, “You look fantastic!” or better, “Baby looks so good on you!” Oh and don’t try to guess how far along we are. You will be wrong and if you guess too high and we are only 5 months along it will just send some of us into a downward spiral. Then when you go to get your cookie dough ice cream we will have bought all of it and will be on our couch at home drowning our sorrows. Just saying.
2. “Do you still have sex?” ”Whoa! Your boobs are huge!”
“Aren’t your worried about your V****”
Uhm…I am sorry say what? Do you still have sex? Why is that your business? Was it your business before? Wait you notice my boobs? Wait, is it that noticeable already? Hold on, I need to go cry because you are reminding me that I don’t have sex. Wait, why are you even talking about my lady parts at all?!?! Seriously, people why do you say stuff like that out loud. You can think it all you want but it doesn’t have to exit your mouth hole. I really wish pregnant women would start asking these questions back to people. The reactions would be amazing. I will just answer these questions now and you can just assume all women are the same. Yes but probably no. Yes.Yes. Okay there you go.
3. “Oh my goodness!!” *touch belly**rub belly**talk to belly**hold belly*
Uhm what are you touching me for? Are we friends? Do I know you? Do you want me to punch you in the face? Can I touch your tummy? Would you want someone walking up to you and rubbing your belly? No! It doesn’t grant wishes, answer prayers, it isn’t good luck and most likely you won’t feel the baby kick so you can just keep your paws to yourself. I know it is super amazing that our stomachs have a human life inside but we would rather you admire from a distance. If you cannot resist the urge to randomly touch strangers, at least be polite enough to ask first. However, you are still a little creepy. I used to know a girl that would just awkwardly stand and hold my stomach whenever she saw me. It was soooo strange. I eventually had to just tell her she had a limit. Seriously, you are freaking me out now. I didn’t even care when people tried to feel my stomach just not for 30 seconds please!
4. The questions…SO…many questions
How are you? How is the baby? How much weight have you gained? What color is the baby room? How is your husband/boyfriend doing? Does it itch? Do you have stretch marks? Do your feet hurt? What is the name? How do you spell it? Are you having a shower?
OH MY GOODNESS SHUUUT UUPP! Haha! That is what we are thinking but do we say that? Of course not! We are polite, sweet women and we answer every question EVERY.SINGLE.STINKIN.DAY! When I was pregnant my pet peeve was people asking me the due date all the time. People I told all the time. I get it, you cannot remember but if you aren’t going to remember than just stop asking me. Oh and the worst was with Aiden.
“When are you due?”
“December 22nd.”
“ OOOOO!!! A Christmas baby maybe he will come late!!! “
“Yea!” *fake smile* **in my head** NOOO near Christmas? I had no idea!
Or
“How is the baby?”
*looks at stomach* ”Looks fine to me…”
I am a grumpy preggo but that just annoyed me to tears. Anyway, the point is…unless you are close to the person maybe you shouldn’t bombard them with 20 questions. Perhaps just ask one question every time you see them and eventually you will have all the information you need. But really it’s information you really don’t need unless you are family or a close friend. So, maybe just stalk their Facebook. If you do…you didn’t get that advice from me.
5. “Your face is getting so fat.”
Yea I am imagining taking your face and slamming it into a hard object but you just keep telling me how I am getting fat. I will just keep imagining hurting you.
Some people think since women gain weight for a good reason that they can just point it out. Well that is ridiculous. I am very aware my face is getting chubby but I do not need you to point it out and make me feel weird about it. What if we just said that back? “Oh yea it is and so is your stomach.” *all very condescending like* If you don’t want your weight gain pointed out than maybe you shouldn’t point out anyone else’s. Especially, an emotionally crazy person growing a human being. We still care about our appearance.
6. “You need to eat more, you’re eating for two you know!”
Oh yes! Did you know getting pregnant is a pass to be a glutton? No, no it is not. Stop telling women that! I do not want to be the size of an elephant, I would like to grow a HEALTHY baby not a cow, and I would like to lose my baby weight, eventually. Eat until you are full and then stop. Eat healthy food even if you do eat chocolate cake too. You are eating for a TINY person not a full-grown man. If you want to have energy and be pregnant, don’t eat a full tray of lasagna like your friends are telling you too. Also, you are full of a person. You can’t eat that much food without feeling disgusting or wanting to puke anyway.
7. Advice…SO. much. ADVICE!
I am sorry. This is the worst! Everyone, and their momma’s grandpa’s aunt becomes a baby expert. “Did you know if you poor hot lava on a babies diaper rash it will turn to pure gold! Pure gold I say!” “Oh did you hear that if you sniff once, fart twice and turn in three circles your baby will never cry again.” “Oh my dear darling, just open his window, bark like a dog and put ear plugs in and he will sleep through the night on day two!” “Are you allowed to drink coffee? Eat sushi? Eat food? Isn’t that bad for your baby?” “I heard if you eat…any food on earth…that you can go into early labor and deliver in 30 seconds flat.” “If you rub 5 pounds of cocoa butter a day on your whole body you will have no stretch marks and your stomach will look like Jennifer Aniston’s right after birth.” Seriously, that is what your advice sounds like. I always got a ton of “advice.” I am the oldest of 8 kids with a super mom. I pretty much knew what was going on. However, I do know that not all people have that kind of life experience so sometimes advice is great…when they ask for it! Ask if they want your advice first. Or even better just wait until they ask you and if they don’t ask you then don’t give it away.
Here are things you should most definitely say to a pregnant woman.
You are a sexy mama
You look stunning in that moo moo
I love your hair today
You are amazing
You are such a beast
Can I massage your feet?
Can I massage your back?
Here I bought you an awesome pair of flip flops!
That shirt is so cute
Your butt looks incredible in those jeans
Will you be my best friend?
Would you like to go get a coffee?
Would you like to go get a taco?
Would you like to go to a movie?
Have you ever played rummy?
See all of those things are so nice and don’t point out the fact that a woman is about to drop an eight pound human out of her lady place!
You’re Welcome!
The Honest Mom
1. “You look like you’re about to pop!” or anything that sounds like “You look like a giant beached whale.”
I get it. I look like I am about to explode from the inside out. I think people think it is amusing or a cute way of saying “DANG! Girl, your belly is about to knock someone out!” but in reality, it just makes us women feel like we are huge. Which we are. Even those of us who are blessed with good baby genes and do not gain a lot of weight still feel like an enormous ball of discomfort. Pretty much you just make us want to cry. So just say something like, “You look fantastic!” or better, “Baby looks so good on you!” Oh and don’t try to guess how far along we are. You will be wrong and if you guess too high and we are only 5 months along it will just send some of us into a downward spiral. Then when you go to get your cookie dough ice cream we will have bought all of it and will be on our couch at home drowning our sorrows. Just saying.
2. “Do you still have sex?” ”Whoa! Your boobs are huge!”
“Aren’t your worried about your V****”
Uhm…I am sorry say what? Do you still have sex? Why is that your business? Was it your business before? Wait you notice my boobs? Wait, is it that noticeable already? Hold on, I need to go cry because you are reminding me that I don’t have sex. Wait, why are you even talking about my lady parts at all?!?! Seriously, people why do you say stuff like that out loud. You can think it all you want but it doesn’t have to exit your mouth hole. I really wish pregnant women would start asking these questions back to people. The reactions would be amazing. I will just answer these questions now and you can just assume all women are the same. Yes but probably no. Yes.Yes. Okay there you go.
3. “Oh my goodness!!” *touch belly**rub belly**talk to belly**hold belly*
Uhm what are you touching me for? Are we friends? Do I know you? Do you want me to punch you in the face? Can I touch your tummy? Would you want someone walking up to you and rubbing your belly? No! It doesn’t grant wishes, answer prayers, it isn’t good luck and most likely you won’t feel the baby kick so you can just keep your paws to yourself. I know it is super amazing that our stomachs have a human life inside but we would rather you admire from a distance. If you cannot resist the urge to randomly touch strangers, at least be polite enough to ask first. However, you are still a little creepy. I used to know a girl that would just awkwardly stand and hold my stomach whenever she saw me. It was soooo strange. I eventually had to just tell her she had a limit. Seriously, you are freaking me out now. I didn’t even care when people tried to feel my stomach just not for 30 seconds please!
4. The questions…SO…many questions
How are you? How is the baby? How much weight have you gained? What color is the baby room? How is your husband/boyfriend doing? Does it itch? Do you have stretch marks? Do your feet hurt? What is the name? How do you spell it? Are you having a shower?
OH MY GOODNESS SHUUUT UUPP! Haha! That is what we are thinking but do we say that? Of course not! We are polite, sweet women and we answer every question EVERY.SINGLE.STINKIN.DAY! When I was pregnant my pet peeve was people asking me the due date all the time. People I told all the time. I get it, you cannot remember but if you aren’t going to remember than just stop asking me. Oh and the worst was with Aiden.
“When are you due?”
“December 22nd.”
“ OOOOO!!! A Christmas baby maybe he will come late!!! “
“Yea!” *fake smile* **in my head** NOOO near Christmas? I had no idea!
Or
“How is the baby?”
*looks at stomach* ”Looks fine to me…”
I am a grumpy preggo but that just annoyed me to tears. Anyway, the point is…unless you are close to the person maybe you shouldn’t bombard them with 20 questions. Perhaps just ask one question every time you see them and eventually you will have all the information you need. But really it’s information you really don’t need unless you are family or a close friend. So, maybe just stalk their Facebook. If you do…you didn’t get that advice from me.
5. “Your face is getting so fat.”
Yea I am imagining taking your face and slamming it into a hard object but you just keep telling me how I am getting fat. I will just keep imagining hurting you.
Some people think since women gain weight for a good reason that they can just point it out. Well that is ridiculous. I am very aware my face is getting chubby but I do not need you to point it out and make me feel weird about it. What if we just said that back? “Oh yea it is and so is your stomach.” *all very condescending like* If you don’t want your weight gain pointed out than maybe you shouldn’t point out anyone else’s. Especially, an emotionally crazy person growing a human being. We still care about our appearance.
6. “You need to eat more, you’re eating for two you know!”
Oh yes! Did you know getting pregnant is a pass to be a glutton? No, no it is not. Stop telling women that! I do not want to be the size of an elephant, I would like to grow a HEALTHY baby not a cow, and I would like to lose my baby weight, eventually. Eat until you are full and then stop. Eat healthy food even if you do eat chocolate cake too. You are eating for a TINY person not a full-grown man. If you want to have energy and be pregnant, don’t eat a full tray of lasagna like your friends are telling you too. Also, you are full of a person. You can’t eat that much food without feeling disgusting or wanting to puke anyway.
7. Advice…SO. much. ADVICE!
I am sorry. This is the worst! Everyone, and their momma’s grandpa’s aunt becomes a baby expert. “Did you know if you poor hot lava on a babies diaper rash it will turn to pure gold! Pure gold I say!” “Oh did you hear that if you sniff once, fart twice and turn in three circles your baby will never cry again.” “Oh my dear darling, just open his window, bark like a dog and put ear plugs in and he will sleep through the night on day two!” “Are you allowed to drink coffee? Eat sushi? Eat food? Isn’t that bad for your baby?” “I heard if you eat…any food on earth…that you can go into early labor and deliver in 30 seconds flat.” “If you rub 5 pounds of cocoa butter a day on your whole body you will have no stretch marks and your stomach will look like Jennifer Aniston’s right after birth.” Seriously, that is what your advice sounds like. I always got a ton of “advice.” I am the oldest of 8 kids with a super mom. I pretty much knew what was going on. However, I do know that not all people have that kind of life experience so sometimes advice is great…when they ask for it! Ask if they want your advice first. Or even better just wait until they ask you and if they don’t ask you then don’t give it away.
Here are things you should most definitely say to a pregnant woman.
You are a sexy mama
You look stunning in that moo moo
I love your hair today
You are amazing
You are such a beast
Can I massage your feet?
Can I massage your back?
Here I bought you an awesome pair of flip flops!
That shirt is so cute
Your butt looks incredible in those jeans
Will you be my best friend?
Would you like to go get a coffee?
Would you like to go get a taco?
Would you like to go to a movie?
Have you ever played rummy?
See all of those things are so nice and don’t point out the fact that a woman is about to drop an eight pound human out of her lady place!
You’re Welcome!
The Honest Mom