So, this is a love and marriage post. I know I have touched on the subject before but this will be a little different. How do we mesh the roles of parent and spouse? How do we manage the life of marriage and a life of a parent? Sex, bottles, romance, potty training, dates and karate class. Do we know our spouses? How often do we take time and just look at each other in the face and see each other? I cannot even tell you how many times I have heard moms say that they wish their husbands would do more, they miss them, they don't even feel like being intimate or their children are always first. These are scary things. Those things lead to much more serious issues. Is it possible to have sweet sex and have happy children? Is it possible to have a hot date and play at the park? Is it possible to make time to sit on the couch and laugh while still running the kids to their activities? I say, yes! Here are my top 5 things that marriages need to focus on so you can keep the flame a burning!
1. Let's Talk
This is crazy outrageous important! If you are anything like me, during the day the most you say to your spouse is, "bye..Yea aright see ya in a little bit...love you...be back later...what’s for dinner?...have you given him a bath?...Okay sweet dreams." Some days it is not even that pleasant. We have to stop. We have to slow our roll. We have to look at each other, not past each other, and have conversations that are longer than 5 words. We must be intentional, when you are getting ready for bed talk about the things that happened in your day. When you are making dinner, stay in the same room and chat about stupid stuff. When you are lying in bed, talk about what you want to do tomorrow. It means shutting your bedroom door and hiding from your kids. If there are, "elephants" confront them. The only way to grow together and stay together is to talk about it all. It means telling your man when you want him to cuddle with you. It means talking about the hard things. It means talking about the weird things. It means pushing past the awkward and just being yourself. It even means arguing. If you aren’t disagreeing, occasionally, than how much are you actually communicating? Don't shut yourself off because you are scared or hurt. The more you do the farther away your spouse will feel. If you are apart a lot then you have a lot to talk about. Even if his job is not necessarily interesting to you, it is interesting to him, so sit and listen to him. Men may not really care about your scrap booking, new hair color or whatever but who cares? Tell them about it anyway. Don't expect them to jump up and down in excitement but that is okay. Spend time engaging. Now ladies talking does NOT mean reminding him of all he does that you do not like or nagging him.
*Side note* Nagging WILL NEVER and has never been an effective way to get anyone to get something done. There are much kinder and less annoying ways to remind your spouse. Even if it feels like you are asking 1,000 times. Sometimes that is just life. Sometimes we have to remind our husbands and you know what? It will not kill us. Here is a real shocker, men get aggravated with us too and sometimes we mess up, forget, or get tired and lazy. So let us just lay off on the nagging.
2. Date
Get away from the kids! Go out. Go anywhere! Go on a walk in the neighborhood. Go to a park and have a picnic. Go out to dinner. Go shopping. Go have ice cream. Just go! I think many parents think that dating isn't as important as it was when they weren’t married and that is a LIE! Like a super big lie. Like a giant lie! You never stop dating. You should never stop getting to know each other. When we disconnect from our spouse we grow apart. Making time to spend alone together is what makes you a better parent. Happy couples are happy parents. You show your children what marriage should look like. It shows your children that mommy and daddy are important to each other. It shows them love. So get your butts off the couch and do something together. Oh and do not be afraid to find a friend with kids and ask them to watch yours and in turn you watch theirs. I mean what parent isn't willing to watch kids for a few hours if the reward is their own alone time? :) What a blessing you can be and what a blessing you can also receive.
3. Sex
Don't you dare skip this one! Everyone gets all weird about sex. Especially, in the Christian "world" and that is so dumb. It is one of THE most important parts of a marriage. It is life giving! It is fun! It is also very scary. It exposes us in a way that makes us vulnerable to a fallible person. Sex helps us connect emotionally. Without that intimate part of the relationship, you are just roommates who change diapers. Now, I am going to get spiritual real quick. God made sex. He made it good. He made it for a purpose. The purpose is letting our guard down and loving our lover with our whole heart and mind. The purpose is to help us expose ourselves spiritually, emotionally and physically. Yes, there may be awkward moments. Yes, you may not "feel" like it. Yes, you may feel distant. Yes, they may have hurt you. However, it is not something we avoid. It is the easiest part of a marriage to dismiss. Women use sex like a reward for good behavior and men use it as a tool of manipulation. This has to end. Sex should not be a way to prove a point. That is horrible, mean and insensitive. We need to start opening up our hearts not just our legs. It is a serious matter. Sex has been perverted in our society. Sex should not look like the movies. Or porn. That is lust not love. Yes, you can have some great fun and get a little crazy but it should be out of desire and affection. It should be out of fun and enjoyment. Not out of crazy lustful passion because you watched too much "Game of Thrones." As much as the world makes sex look raunchy and dirty it is supposed to be innocent and intimate. It is supposed to make us feel young and it is supposed to make us feel close to our significant other. It is spiritual. Just in case you weren’t uncomfortable enough, let me remind you, God can see you having sex. Yes, I know you are getting all weird and want to ask God to cover his eyes but he won't. He loves you and loves sex and sex is worship. Sex is wonderful and you should do it more often for the right reasons. Even if you have to pop a movie in the dvd player, stuff ice cream in the kids mouths and lock yourself in a room. It will be well worth it. :)
4. Have Fun
LAUGH PEOPLE! I mean seriously. We grow up and lose our sense of fun. Everything is all bills, jobs and discipline. It is chores, mechanics and yard work. Well as important as those things are, taking time to have fun is even more important. How do people cope with the seriousness of life when they can't laugh at the wonderful parts too? Money, jobs and activities are taken so seriously that we lose our sense of adventure and fun. It is so awkward when I am talking to a mom, I make a joke or say something funny about my day, and they just respond with this awkward stare off into space. It is as if I either a) said something super dumb (which is a definitely a possibility), or b) struck a nerve somehow or c) they are so consumed with their thoughts they didn't even hear what I said. Most of the time it is “c”. Parents have a lot on their minds. Working parents have even more on their minds. That is no excuse not to relax and let go. Leave work at home. Loosen up. Dance. Laugh. Play. Even adults need to play. Find a game you like and play together. Look up jokes and tell them to each other. Put on some music and show off dance moves. Wrestle (The real kind of wrestle not the other kind of "wrestle"). Do crosswords. Watch YouTube videos. Garden. Hike. Enjoy life together without being so concerned with everything else. Take showers together. That would definitely help spark number three. ;) Having fun helps us remember why we fell in love. It reminds us that life is still fun even though we grow up. It reminds us what it was like dating. It reminds us not to take life so seriously. Laughing also helps us remember the things we like about one another. A lot, of couples focus on the things they wish would change instead of the things they love. Having fun can melt away the tension and open up some space for good conversation.
5. Priorities
So now, we get to the real issue. We cannot even begin working on 1-4 without talking about five. We must prioritize our time. If your spouse is the last thing on the “to do” list than your list needs to go in the trash. I will wait while you go throw it away...*elevator music*...Okay done? Okay, let us move on. Our lives are so packed. We work, cook, clean, teach, discipline, go to sports practice, dance practice, run errands and then at the end of the day after homework is done, kids are in bed and the house is picked up we fall into our beds with negative amounts of energy. I understand that. I am a working, home school mom. However, I have texted my husband a couple times today to talk and just love on him. He is skipping his softball game tonight just so we can get some good quality time together. I am forgoing my need to go run up to the church and get a few things done because I know I need to relax with him. We have to be willing to either let some of our other things go or make time in our days. We have to stop spoiling our kids with endless activities. I want everyone to pay attention right now. YOUR CHILD DOES NOT HAVE TO DO A SPORT YEAR ROUND. YOUR CHILD DOES NOT HAVE TO DO DANCE 3 NIGHTS A WEEK. YOUR CHILD DOES NOT NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE ALL THE TIME. Unless, their hobbies still allow you to have time to be a spouse you need to reevaluate. Your child's future is important. Their hobbies are awesome but when you spend more time away from your spouse than together, well than you are choosing your child over your spouse. It will inevitably hurt your marriage. I know I heard your gasps of horror. “What? My child needs activities to stay away from drugs!” “What my child wants to be a pro football player!” “What? My child will not be smart or talented without extra tutoring, Spanish, Japanese, dance and Latin.” Here is some reality for you. Your child will always adore you as long as you feed them, kiss them and give them love. Kids are easy to please. They love you for just breathing the same air. They love you when you yell at them, spank them, ground them or even hurt them. They forgive and forget. They are gracious. Your spouse however is not that way. Your spouse will feel neglected, offended, distant, lonely and bored. They become bitter and disconnected. You will just become two people that used to know each other. Marriages grow apart when they are not the main priority. Grow your marriage by making it a priority.
Yes, sometimes life gets hectic but your marriage is worth the effort. If not, why did you get married? Marriage is not for wimps! Do not ever believe that it will be just like the fairy tales. Marriage is hard work sometimes. It will be rewarding, it will be fun, it will be exciting, it will have it's romance, but it will also have all the opposite. Go to marriage conferences, counselling, therapy, getaways, read books, or listen to podcast.
Most of all DO NOT GIVE UP! Your spouse is not ever going to be perfect and no one ever will be. So, instead of throwing in the towel and thinking the grass will be greener. Work hard and love even harder! Choose love!
The Honest Mom